Oh Crap! – Musings of an Unperfect Mommy

Complainingville

August 30, 2022

Yeah – I’m in that mode again. It’s been a stressful year and it’s not letting up any time soon. Over the next two weeks I have a wedding 1500 miles away (oldest son), Thanksgiving, and my twin daughters’ birthdays (which lands ON Thanksgiving Day). Today I was grumping to an associate in a store and right after I got done I regretted it. I don’t want people to think that’s all I do but on the other hand I don’t want people to think I’m happy 24/7 either because I’m not. I actually had a “friend” tell me once that they couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy all the time anymore. This was when I was going through a very serious depression and she thought that I should just pull up my bootstraps or something. We all know that’s NOT how it (depression) works.

I am reading my book “Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie to get some help for my co-dependency issues (which still haunt me from time to time) and just to get validation. It helps. What I really need though is a really, really good friend. I’ve lived in this town 44 years and have never had one. Most of the last two decades I’ve been alone. I let two toxic “friends” go and decided to go it alone after that. It’s not ideal. How I deal with the loneliness is by talking with people at stores and that helps a little, but it doesn’t take care of the days I need to just let it all out. Like today. There’s no one to turn to on those days.

So, I guess I need to start reeling it in again when I’m talking with people I don’t know and save the complaining for my prayer time or journal or something. At least I won’t be embarrassed next time I see those people I complained to.

ETA – I wrote this in November of last year, and while things didn’t turn out great (like the road trip that turned into the trip to hell and back for one), I’m still not in a wonderful place. My “marriage” has a lot to do with that – the anger and bitterness rages on. I keep having this “idea” of going silent for a month and next month, September, may be the time to do it. Part of it is my idea but I think the other part is God’s. The yuck I’m spewing is just not helping. Not me, not my kids, and not the man I’m married to. Until things change, I’ve got to find a way to deal with this. Not one of the therapists I went to wanted to help me find a way to cope either. And not a one wanted to talk with my husband either. So I’ve felt screwed all the way over for quite a while. Anywho – time to leave Complainingville and find a quieter place to be. Maybe in the silence I’ll find some answers.

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Stop, Look, Listen

August 23, 2022

Hmmm, I found this little gem that I wrote at the beginning of the year but didn’t publish. Well, I think it’s good enough to go out. And maybe I need to print it out and put it on the fridge as a reminder to myself. And I’ve added comments. Just for fun.

Remember that from years ago about how to cross a street? Well, it’s going to be my new mantra from here on out. After my post from the other day about building on the basics I also realized that it was time to make changes so that I don’t keep going in the wrong direction. Let me explain.

As you know, I had a lot of dental work done at the end of last year so why do I want to ruin that with unhealthy eating (and drinking) habits? Time to make changes so all that work won’t have been for nothing.

Dental work is just about finished – I’m in the process of getting my partial. So true though and every time I have a piece of chocolate I weigh it against the teeth thing. I think it’s helped cut down on how much of it I eat because I don’t eat much candy/chocolate these days.

Another reason to start getting healthy? My skin! Yeah – sugar is not a friend of your skin and I’ve recently started a new skincare regimen so do I really want to keep messing that up with crappy eating habits? Uh, no.

A new skincare regimen? Oh yeah, Tatcha. It was good, but I didn’t like the oil cleanser and both of the other cleansers have exfoliants in them. Not great for sensitive skin. The moisturizer was really good though – the dewy one. And yeah, sugar is not good for the skin – it shows up on mine when I’ve been eating less than stellar.

Keeping on the wrong track will not get me to my goal of losing the extra weight I’ve been carrying around so long. So, I need to stop treating my body like a trash can and start fueling it with what it really needs.

For years I’ve actually thought about making a poster of this – a body outline with a collage of garbage food in it on one side, and another body outline with pictures of all good food in it on the other. I try to think about it when I’m about to go off the rails eating junky stuff. It actually helps.

What has that got to do with Stop, Look, Listen? Something like this – STOP what you are doing. LOOK – to see where you need to make changes. LISTEN as you go along for anything that will trip you up so you stay consistent. Bottom line – I need to make sure that what I’m doing is aligning with my goals.

Goals – I was thinking about this last night. Is what I’m doing now getting me closer to where I want to be? How can I change that so I’m moving in the right direction? I printed out some goal worksheets the other day and should get them out tonight and start working on them.

And that’s a wrap. Not sure why I didn’t publish this piece because these are all things I need to remember. Oh well, better late than never. :D

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The New Math

August 22, 2022

Well, well, well – there are just some things that are so obvious and simple they tend to elude most of the population. Me included. I found a book called “The Smart Travelers Passport”, and the very first entry was from a couple who put $2 in a jar every day (she put in a dollar and he did too) and at the end of the year they had $730 to spend on a vacation. Wait – WTF??!! It’s that simple?? Yes, yes it is.

So, I went a little farther – what about saving $5 a day for a year (about the cost of a Starbucks)? It comes to $1,825. Now that’s a big vacation or it could be the start of your emergency savings. And $10 a day is $3650 which is a good emergency savings fund or one hell of a vacation. You could even think in terms of weeks – $10 a week would be $520 at the end of the year. And $20 a week would be $1,040. Talk about a fairly painless way to save!

Every once in a while I read things like this and I think – hell yeah – I can do that! Do you think I can remember to do that? Nope. People, if I had done this years ago I’d be rolling in it by now and some of my dreams would definitely have come true. It makes me sad to think how much time and money I’ve wasted instead of really being intentional to save for something I really wanted to do. Part of that is because I get bogged down in depression and thinking nothing will ever change forgetting that I can be the catalyst to that change by doing something as simple as this. My excuse was always we had a bunch of kids, the house/car was falling apart, but $1 a day wouldn’t have hurt! Regret is a bitch let me tell you.

And if you want to help people – giving – remember that if 100 people each give $1 well that’s $100. Even a little multiplies into a lot. So if all you can afford to give is $1 no worries.

I think it’s time to use this information to bring some good into our lives as well as into the lives of others. Stop thinking you have to do something big and start thinking smaller which can build up to more. I’m going to start putting money in my savings account weekly (at least) and watch my dreams grow.

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August Beauty 2022

August 15, 2022

Time to update on what I’m doing again. The two big decisions were to just go super simple on the skincare and I’ve also stopped wearing makeup unless I absolutely need to so my skin can catch a break. Also, frankly, I’m sometimes just tired of it all. And I LOVE makeup so this is a new feeling for me. :D Here’s the lineup.

Skincare

For cleansing I decided to try the Pixi Double Cleanse for removing makeup since Cerave isn’t the best for that. Caroline Hirons partnered with Pixi on this several years ago and after watching the video and finding out the details (it’s fragrance free!), decided to try it. One side is a cleansing balm and the other is a cream cleanser. The balm works really well and rinses fairly clean. I like the cleansing cream but it doesn’t rinse totally clean and would be best removed with a washcloth. As someone with overly sensitive skin I don’t always like doing that. Overall though I do recommend this for sensitive mature skin.

I’m mostly using the Cerave Hydrating Cleanser day and night but I think I’ll use the Foaming Cleanser at night going forward and save the Hydrating one for morning. With the heat and humidity I just need a little extra cleansing at night. Also, I decided to stick with my Fresh Kombucha Essence mini for a toner but will replace it with something different when it’s gone.

For moisturizing I’m mostly using the Cerave Daily Moisturizing Lotion and then the Banana Boat Mineral Suncreen for sensitive skin as my last step. I also bought a mini of the Cerave Moisturizing Cream because sometimes the lotion isn’t enough. Again, with the heat and humidity the lightweight lotion works for now. Also, if you want to try these products or are just low on funds, most of these basic Cerave products come in mini sizes that actually last at least two months and could go longer depending on how much you used. The one product I wish came in a mini is the Cerave Renewing SA Cleanser for exfoliation. I’ve been wanting to try it for a while but don’t want to waste the money or product (or time to return it). And that’s my simple routine.

For my makeup routine – when I decide to wear it – here’s what I’m doing. And again, I don’t use everything all the time – each day is different.

Foundation – L’Oreal True Match in N 0.5 – This is one shade too light but I decided to roll with it anyway. This is an okay foundation but I don’t like the dry feel of it (I think it’s oil free) on my dry skin. What I do like is the titanium dioxide sunscreen so it adds another protective layer for my skin.

Blush – Still using the Benefit Dandelion mini.

Eyes – My Anastasia Brow Freeze gel is just about gone so I’m looking into a new product at the end of the month. It’s a great product but I’ve found something else I want to try to see if I can simplify even more.

Also, still using my L’oreal Voluminous Original in black/brown. However, I bought a new Cover Girl Professional Mascara in black/brown and will trade up at the end of the month.

The new member of the family is this cute little mini eyeshadow palette from Sephora Collection in the shade First Lights. At only $10 and with 8 shade collections to choose from you can’t go wrong with these mini palettes. I chose this one as I like the colors and it was something different from my Urban Decay neutral palette. So far I really like it – subtle and pretty and the shimmers aren’t glittery.

Lips – The other new kid on the block is the Farmacy Honey Butter Beeswax Lip Balm. Right off, I’m not crazy about the packaging – it sounds like it’s broken but it’s not. It’s an okay lip balm for the price ($10) but still can’t beat the Bite Beauty Balm and Mask. On the plus side, there is no fragrance or taste and it’s all natural and, I think, vegan so I like that. I’ll keep you posted.

And that’s the line up for the rest of this month. Both my makeup and skincare stashes are getting quite low as I’ve tried and pitched stuff that just didn’t work. I try to give products a fair shake but if I shelve them and come back and find they are just as annoying when I first tried them then they’re out. After August we’ll see what I decide. I have to say though I’m loving going bare faced and my skin seems to be enjoying the break too.

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July 2022 Recap

August 14, 2022

Note – Better late than never to post this – I wrote it early in the last week of July.

It’s been a busy month and next month looks to be the same. Here’s what’s happening.

Dental Work – Been finishing up the major work this summer. I have one more filling, a crown (not sure if a root canal goes with that) but I’m waiting until early next year to do that one, and a consult with a denture specialist for a partial to fill in the gaps I now have. All of this started last year, but if I’d started 10 years ago, I wouldn’t be doing this now. Better late than never, but it’s easier when the problems first start. Make a note people.

Beauty Products – Still finishing up what I had bought but I am also thinking about just ditching it all and starting over and giving my skin a rest. I’ll keep you posted.

Depression – Hello darkness my old friend. I realized this a few weeks ago when I noticed that I’d been crying daily for two weeks. I bought a book by K.C. Davis called “How To Keep House While Drowning” and it’s helping me to do what I can do and not worry about what I can’t which really helps take that stress off at least so I can take care of me and get back to functioning.

Hot Hot Hot – That was the weather. For the last two weeks of the month we were held hostage by over 100 degree temps some getting as high as 110. I don’t know what people in Phoenix do but I’m sure they’re more used to it than we are and live their lives. I don’t. I stayed inside and watched reruns of Supermarket Sweep and The Price is Right. We also covered up as many windows as possible to keep the sunlight out and lower energy costs. It was like living in a cave and I’m sure that didn’t help my depression any, but it worked.

Decluttering – So because of the heat I decided to stop laying around like a lump and get some stuff done. The first thing I did was go into the room off the master and dejunk it. I think it only took a week of going in there every day for 30 minutes max and now I can see where everything is and walk around in there without tripping over a lot of stuff. The main thing I did was move all the homeschool books to the downstairs bookshelves so I can start going through them and giving away to the appropriate places. I would love to have a garage sale and make some extra money, but I really don’t see that happening. I just want to get these books into the hands of people who need them for their homeschools and lighten up my load.

And that was July. I’m going to update my beauty situation and probably should do a reading update too one of these days as well. In the meantime stay cool and enjoy the last days of summer. Fall will be here before we know it. At least that’s the hope.

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Bucket List? Hell Yeah!

August 11, 2022

I think I wrote here one time something like, “if I had a bucket list – but I don’t”. Well, since then I’ve actually got one! I realized that I had some dreams from way back and new dreams too and they could form an actual bucket list. Except Bucket List – I need to call it something different. Here’s what’s on it:
1. Going back to London, England and visit all the old places in the old neighborhoods and see how different things are after 50 years.
2. Becoming a DJ – yes, it’s something from my late teens/early 20’s I always thought I could do. Still do.
3. Going to the northeast US and do the leaf peeping thing in early autumn.
4. Going back to San Francisco and include the beach this time.
5. Moving away from the town and state I’ve been stuck in forever and make a new life for me somewhere else. That was THE PLAN when I graduated high school but other things happened and that dream was lost. With my nest emptying now it’s a good possibility.
6. Go to Pike’s Place Market in Seattle and catch a fish. And, of course, visit son #3 and his wife too.
7. Visiting Bend, Oregon
8. Going to every one of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s “Little Houses” in one trip in the summer or early fall.
9. Another trip that would be close to the above since Laura lived in Wisconsin, is to go back to my Dad’s home town for a visit.
10. Cooking out of Nigella Lawson’s cookbooks for a year which I decided to make a reality NOW. This is one of those things I’ve been talking about for YEARS and finally decided it was time. Mostly because I need to get out of the cooking rut I’m in.
So, nothing weird like milking a cow, but things that are very doable. Of course a few do depend on my getting on a plane but there’s time to get a pair for that.

So even though I failed my original dreams by not having a plan or money saved up blah, blah, blah, I can turn toward it now and start carving out a new life and new adventures.

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