Oh Crap! – Musings of an Unperfect Mommy

Things We Say To Limit Ourselves

March 9, 2018

Guilty! Soooo guilty. I even made a list a few months ago that looks like this:
- I can’t do that
- No money for that
- No time for that
All excuses to hide my fears. What I’m afraid of exactly I’m not always sure. Okay, I do know I have a fear of having very little money again – don’t want to go there. However, I know I would make it somehow because I’ve been there before. With the weight loss thing, I am afraid, but not sure of what.

I used to be guilty of saying the following: I’m ugly and fat – and, when it comes down to it, that’s bullying. However, I did stop that quite a while ago and it made a huge difference. Now I can look at myself and see that I’m not ugly at all and self-acceptance has begun to replace those old feelings.

Last year, after thinking about the “try” quote from Yoda, I ran across this article/video. He calls it self-limiting phrases that stop us from reaching our potential. I’ve thought a lot lately about what makes other people successful while I often struggle. I’m sure the first is self-discipline. The next thing may very well be what they say about themselves, their jobs, others, etc.

I need to figure why I say those things to myself – why I keep limiting myself. What I am afraid of. I’ve often heard that mumbo jumbo about what you say about yourself you become. Maybe it really is true and if it is, it’s time to build myself (and others) up.

I heard about another book, “What To Say When You Talk to Yourself” by Shad Helmstetter, and this seems to be in the same vein so I think I’ll take it out of the library and see if it offers any help. In the meantime, I’ll practice rephrasing my negative statements with something positive and go from there. It’s a start.

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Best Intentions

March 8, 2018

This is a two part post – the first part written July 2017 and the second August 2017. Let the guilt begin!

So, this week I’m leaving for a vacation – a very long awaited and needed vacation. I knew it was coming all year long, and I was hoping to be 50 pounds lighter for it, but another family crisis (or three) hit, and I shelved that. Again. As this month approached I felt panicky. So, I started to drink more water (which I needed to do anyway), and started to throw out caffeine and sugar (which are my Achilles heal and my nemesis). Have I lost anywhere near 50 pounds? Nope, but I am starting to feel a little healthier.

I decided last week that I would just do what I can before my trip, and then start over when I get home. As if to punctuate this, I found Richard Simmons “Never Give Up” at a used bookstore today. I’m going to take that book with me to help jump start my goals. However, I already read the first chapter and what I have to realize is this: it is going to take time. Just like it took time to get out of debt and time to get my house in order, it is going to take time to cultivate new habits to get my body in better shape. I also have to stop bad mouthing myself and start taking myself under my own wings. No one else is going to do it so it’s up to me. Richard Simmons did it on his own and I can too. Sure it’s easier if you have help, but many of us don’t so we do what we can. So, in August, I’m going to do a reboot of sorts: shine up my food mover, make menu plans from the meals in all the Richard Simmons books I have, and get started.

August 2017:

I had my vacation and came back a different person. I walked a lot while I was in California and got to really enjoy that. The town my son lives in has lots of stores within walking distance and it was great to be able to do that. At first I thought I was going to die from all the walking, but the more I walked the better I felt. I didn’t feel hungry much either – must have been all that walking and being in the sun. My skin also started clearing up which I couldn’t believe. It was great. Then I came home. I have to drive to every store I want to go to here. I’ve had so many appointments since I got back I’ve not had much time to just relax and digest all that happened to me on vacation. So, I need to make an actual plan and stick to it. My housework routines are basically in place so I can add in health routines now. Which actually are every bit as (if not more important as) the housework.

I am almost finished reading “Never Give Up” – I need to copy the Passport Me statements so I can give myself the pep talk I need every day. I’m still in my drinking water mode and that has helped a lot. I’ve gone off the wagon a time or two in regard to caffeine and sugar, but I can usually talk myself out of eating them. I still need to do some kind of exercise every day- I have no idea why I’m so resistant on this one. It’s not that I can’t do it – it’s more like I keep finding excuses so I don’t have to. And after finding out how much I enjoyed it on vacation, my logic escapes me.

Anywho, this has gotten long so I’ll wrap up. I’m going to get back in a groove as soon as I can – I’ve lost weight and want to continue that trend. I’ve backslidden a little, but I can always start over and form new habits that will stick. I forgot I had a book called “It’s Never Too Late To Begin Again” so maybe I’ll read that one next. And I’ll never give up.

Except I did. What I need to do is find a way to keep going amidst all the other stuff. I think that’s my problem – I give up to easily in the face of everyone else’s problems when I need to keep going no matter what. At least I’m slowly getting my house back together again so that’s something. This living stuff – not for the weak.

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In Transition

March 7, 2018

I hadn’t thought about it before (maybe, but not much), but I realized today that I’m in a transitional phase in my life. I am over 50 and my life is ever shifting and changing these days. I have four grown kids out of the nest and four teens still at home, but soon to be grown and gone. I have one more year of homeschooling and then that chapter will be over too. I’ve really enjoyed it, but I’m kind of glad to be moving on as well.

My husband lost his job over the summer (getting downsized after 36 years of faithful service is the shits), and now I’m having to speed up my own job prospects. I was hoping for a year or two to get ready for that, but that dream has been thrown to the wind now. So, I’m making lists of places I might like to work and things I could do at home to bring in a little cash. Like sell all those homeschool materials we no longer need. :-P

Oh, and let’s not forget this whole menopause thing. Don’t get me wrong I’m enjoying not having what I had for 30 years, but I’ve exchanged it for insomnia, weight gain, and mood swings. Not sure which is worse at this point. Most of that is actually easier to fix than finding a job so I’m going to focus on that up front.

And on top of all that, I’m still figuring out who I am and how my life fits into the world I live in. I’ve been a stay at home mom for over 30 years with very few friends (at the moment I have none, but maybe that’s ok), so I’m trying to do things that get me back in the groove again. It may be time to crack out my “hey you’re 50” books again for pointers.

So, here’s to me – whoever she turns out to be – in this newest chapter of my life. Hopefully I’ll figure it all out and I hope the journey is a good one.

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The 3 P’s

March 6, 2018

I first heard about the 3 P’s in a talk by a homeschooling mom and it made me realize that I had a problem. I am a perfectionist. OK – that I knew, but what I didn’t know (well, maybe) was that my perfectionism led to procrastination that then led to paralysis. I may have talked about it before, but I think it bears repeating. So, let’s start with an example and yes, this is straight out of my own life. (BTW – if you wonder why you never get birthday cards, Christmas cards, or gifts on time from me – this explains it).

1. Perfectionism – I need a birthday card so I go to the store and look at 5,000 cards and finally decide I’ve wasted too much time looking at them and I really don’t like any of them so I’ll come back later. Guess what? Later never comes.

2. Procrastination – I know I need to get that birthday card but (here come the excuses): no time, can’t decide on the perfect one, and on and on. So, all this leads to:

3. Paralysis – Suddenly, two months go by as well as the holiday, birthday, special occasion. No matter how much I wanted to send something, it didn’t get done. And my good intentions are wasted and when I’m old I’ll be filled with regrets when I could have sent a damn card – any fucking card – with a nice letter in it to let that person know that I was thinking of them and how much they mean to me.

Get the picture? Good. I often feel bad and torture myself thinking of all the time I’ve wasted not doing things because nothing was perfect. And relationships most likely have suffered because of it. All of that needs to end.

So, here’s the homework assignment. Do you need to send a card to someone? Go to the store asap and PICK ONE. And if you really can’t find the right card, buy a pack of pretty plain cards (or basic manly ones if you’re a guy) and write a nice note inside that conveys to that person that you care about them. Don’t worry, the fact that you wrote to them will give the other person a warm fuzzy feeling and you’ll feel good too. So, let’s get out there, stop procrastinating and write that note, send that card/package, or pick up the phone and call someone. You’ll both be glad you did. :-)

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Still Lent

March 5, 2018

I decided to check the calendar to see how many weeks left until Easter – I’m counting actual full weeks – and there are four full weeks until Easter Sunday. Almost half way through and what have I been doing? Uh, not much. I haven’t given anything up except maybe my sanity and my life’s aspirations. I have been reading the Bible – the Wisdom books to be exact – so there’s that. And I didn’t give up on spiritual reading, but I did decide to just focus on books to do with my vocation of wife and mother. Those aren’t too deep and they fit my life. Well, that takes care of the prayer part of Lent. What about fasting and almsgiving? Does buying your kids a Starbucks frapp count? I really need to give up coffee and overload of sugary treats. I also could cut out snacks I suppose. Or just one of those two things because all of them – yeeesh. And I need to figure out a monthly giving plan to one or two places that I’m passionate about. That should take care of it. Onward and upward!

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Be still!

March 4, 2018

Note: I wrote this back in January when things were starting to slide downhill. However, the “be still” was a catalyst for change for me so I’m going to go ahead and post this.

“Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10)

I’ve been doing a lot of hand wringing and shouting of late and I read those words in Anne Lamott’s book on prayer, “Help, Thanks, Wow”. And I’ve been thinking a lot about it and what it means and I think it comes down to this – “be quiet”. What? Yes – God is saying “Be quiet, simmer down, knock it off!”. He is our Father after all and don’t we say the same things to our children? Um, yes, yes we do: Be quiet – you’re giving me a headache! Yes, I’m probably giving God a headache with all my hand wringing and shouting. For sure I’m giving one to my family. So, I decided that day to be quiet. I wanted to get up and research something on the inter….nope…be still. Be quiet. So I lay down, took a nap, and felt better.

Note 2: I started to tell myself “be quiet” whenever I would get stressed or do wasteful things instead of doing things I needed to do or that would be better to do. It really, really helped! So, I’m going to get back to that (I think I’ve fallen off this week) and also it’s time to do the 12 steps. I can take as long as I like and I know it would be helpful in the long run.

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Gimme A Break

March 3, 2018

Uh, oh, here we go again. Too much coffee and sugar and let’s add not enough sleep (again) to that. I think also, the time from January to Spring Break in mid-March is just really rough on everyone. I would usually take my homeschool break in April, but the last couple of years I’ve done it in March because I simply needed a break then. I’ve been trying to work around the public school year, but it just doesn’t work for the homeschool part of the family.

Maybe I’m just hitting a mid-life slump too. There have been too many bumps in the road for several years and I’m just about fried from it all. What I’d really like is a year off so to speak after my girls go to high school to give me time to finish getting the house in order, get ready for an actual job, and just to decompress. Our situation has changed drastically as of 6 months ago so not sure if I could still pull that off…we’ll see.

So, yeah, maybe a break is in order this month so I can give more attention to zone cleaning as well as the ongoing paper jam project and refreshing my spirit as well. I feel better already. :-)

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Blog Challenge!

March 2, 2018

Yes indeed it’s time for another….BLOG CHALLENGE!! My son, Matt, revamped his blog recently and asked if I wanted to do another one. Well, you know I wouldn’t turn one of those down., and I already blogged a bit last month, sooo, I feel I’m ready for it. Besides, I love writing and I need to do more of it. So bring it on bro…uh…son!!

In other news, it is Friday and I am so glad! While I started the week strong, I just feel so tired and am battling the “I don’t wannas”, but pushing myself to get stuff done. Tonight is also my Friday Ritual (music, a wee drink, and rearranging my makeup and skin care stuff) and I’m really needing it. I finished “My So Called Life” though and not sure what I want to watch next. Maybe I’ll just read a magazine – that’s always fun too.

Anywho, time to go get my child from school. Not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but I leave to pick her up early so I can sit in the parking lot and read. I’ve come to really enjoy that part of my day, and being out in nature helps too.

So, I’ll be back tomorrow with another post – Happy Friday everyone!

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February In Review

March 1, 2018

I started the month off not in a great mood. December had been troublesome, and then Old Man Winter really settled in. Both made for a difficult January and by February, I was feeling lazy. When I started watching depressing shows on TLC that was my cue that things had to change.

I decided to get off my butt and back into my Flylady routines – just the routines – to get in the groove again. That pulled me out of my funk and my house and me are feeling a little better.

I took on one extra project and that is the paper jam in the house. Loads of backed up paperwork – most of which needs to be tossed – and files that need to be re-done. I’ve got a long way to go and I haven’t touched anything in a week, so it’s time to get back to that. Fifteen to twenty minutes a day is all it’s going to take.

Somehow I had fallen off my Friday Ritual as well and so I got back into that, including going through my makeup and skincare. Although, I mostly used this Fresh set and I really, really liked it! The products are pricey, but they worked really well on my sensitive skin.

I also cracked out “My So-Called Life” again. I don’t remember the last time I watched it, so felt it was time again. This very short lived series still holds up in my opinion. And, since it was created by the creators of thirtysomething, you know you’re getting something good.

On the reading end of things, I thought I’d try the Read Your Way to Heaven lists again but start on a year with less intense books. I started Year 4 and that lined up really well with my desire to read the Wisdom books of the Bible. The titles seemed low key but interesting and so I started with Malcolm Muggeridge’s “Something Beautiful For God” about Mother Teresa. It was amazing and left me with a lot to think about. I started on the next book, “Hidden Power of Kindness” and got stuck – I knew I wasn’t going to be able to slog through it. So, I decided to go with, “A Mother’s Rule of Life” which I’d read a long time ago and decided to go over it again. It’s a loaner from the library so it has to go back soon and I’m only half way through. Le sigh. Maybe I need to re-think this whole thing, and start reading the pile of books on my shelf that I bought in the hopes of reading but never did.

So, overall, feeling better at the beginning of March. Winter is fading and giving way to blue skies and warmer weather and that always raises my spirits. Maybe as I add to my housekeeping routines, I should also add a little more on the self-care beyond the basics. Lots to think about and plan. My life keeps changing and the ground beneath is not solid but shifting all the time and I’m just feeling lost. But keeping those things which give me stability will pull me through.

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