Oh Crap! – Musings of an Unperfect Mommy

Missing

October 2, 2015

Just a note to say this is a current post. :-)

I love My So-Called Life and I remember when it first came out I really wanted to watch it, but I was a “grown-up” with three children so I felt a little embarrassed. After all, it was a tv show for teens right? I did watch some episodes though and I wish I had watched more – especially since I’ve seen all of them now (I own the set). There are so many good things about it and not just for teens, but for the adults in their lives too. I want my oldest daughter to watch it, but I think next year will be better – when she turns 16. There will be plenty of stuff to discuss together. But, back to the 90’s..

So there I was watching this show and thinking of how much life I felt I’d missed. I graduated high school, got a job, got married, had kids, homeschooled. I really didn’t give myself time to just be me or to really think about my future. And I didn’t realize just how isolating taking care of a house and children would be.

When thirtysomething came out in 1987,  that was the first time I realized that maybe I could have had a different life. Maybe I should have gone to college, not gotten married so soon (and taken the time to get to know my soon-to-be-husband first), and waited a bit to have kids. I was in too much of a hurry! Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and I’m glad every day that I have them in my life. It’s just that, I feel I didn’t get to do all those fun things that most kids in their 20’s get to do. If I had slowed down, taking my time to decide what I really wanted, I may have been a happier person and a better mom down the road.

When My-So Called Life came out seven years later, I felt that tug again.  After my third child was born in 1991 I came up for air and found that the world had changed. Getting together with other moms and their kids was now called a “play date” (which you set up ahead of time). What had happened while I was knee-deep in diapers? I decided never to get that far under again and try to stay on top of life And yet, every time, I would get busy being a mom and would come up for air after having another child and still felt behind. After awhile I just gave up and tried to be the best damn mom I could and not worry about the rest. I’d catch up later.

Fast forward to now. Half of my kids are grown and the other half are teens. My nest is continuing to empty and now I’m faced with something called “free time”. I have no idea what that is or what to do with it.  I feel more caught up and slightly current now, but it’s still hard to fit in after having spent so much time just being at home. Again, not complaining because I feel very good about my decision to be a SAHM and homeschool, it’s just that I didn’t develop me while I was taking care of them.

My older kids have really forged their own way and I don’t think they’ll have many regrets – not like me. They’ve been to college, moved away for their jobs, taken trips around the States and to other countries. I’m really proud of them for that and hope they will continue to find fulfillment in their lives and not let any one thing define or confine them in any way like I did.

Being a mom does mean confinement for a time (especially when the kids are little), but it can also mean cultivating some other aspect of yourself on the side. Writing, crafting, cooking – I never thought about doing those things when I was raising my kids. I always felt it was a guilty pleasure. And yet, I always felt there was a hole in my life somewhere too. Now I realize I could have done those things and broadened my horizons for myself and my children’s sakes.

Is it too late? I hope not! Now that I know what’s missing, I am trying to figure out what it is I’d like to do with my life. Like writing articles or even a book, taking some college courses online, finding some women I can relate to and have friendships with. All this so that when all my kids leave home I will be on my way to a new life. One that doesn’t make me feel like I missed something.

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October 2, 2015

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