Oh Crap! – Musings of an Unperfect Mommy

October Update

October 30, 2015

So, it’s almost the end of another month and I really haven’t posted a personal update in awhile…I think. This month has been very busy especially since I chucked all my self-help book ideas out the window. It really comes down to this: do the housework, grocery shop and make the meals, wash the clothes, get school done, pay the bills, take care of and spend time with the kids. Lately I’ve figured out how to sneak in things for me like staying in my pj’s binge watching Nigella Lawson on a Sunday morning, and listening to calm jazz music while flipping through magazines while resting in bed. I’m finally giving myself permission to do these little things for myself and I feel better for it.

This month has been studded with lots of dental appointments, including daughter #3 getting four baby teeth pulled. On top of that, daughter #2 broke her glasses beyond fixing, but we were able to get in quite quickly the next week for an appointment. It has taken another two weeks, but her new glasses came in and she’s happy.

Son #4 finally got his driver license and I’ve been letting him run around on his own so he gets more confident and to give him more freedom. He is in heaven.

As for me, I just rolled up my sleeves and started getting things done instead of wondering how I was going to get it all done while not getting much done. While I’ve forgotten things this week, I am getting caught up. A side effect of this has been not snacking nearly as much and I sleep better at night. Both will help me lose weight…I hope.

On the unfortunate side, our very old van is giving us fits and I ended up walking home last Saturday while my husband biked to the van to either get it started or get some help to get it started (and of course the bloody thing started right up for him – rawr). That was after a full morning of grocery shopping and I really messed up my right foot from all that walking. After a few days of painkillers it finally eased up and it is better. I am not wearing shoes around the house at all either and I think that is helping too. Needless to say, as a mother of a large family, I cannot have problems like a bum foot or a broke down van.

I finally remembered to pick up the Halloween candy for the kids yesterday which is good because son #5 asked if there was going to be candy this year. Phew! Saved.

The Christmas Countdown has started and I have a few things done thanks to The Christmas Countdown: 30 Days To Festive Bliss by Alison May. Alison has lots of ideas like stockpiling stamps, wrapping paper, tape, and toilet paper so that you don’t run out just when you need them. So each time I go to the store I pick things up I know I’ll need and I feel secure knowing it’ll be there when I need it. Thanks Alison!

I think that’s it. Now it’s time to run along and get ready for the day. I’m running some towels, dd2 will take her shower and it’s off to the races: take ds4 to work, dd2 to her dental, and then to the eye doctor to pick up her glasses. At home it’s DIY for lunch and then school basics in the afternoon. A dinner of creamy pasta and probably drop after that. So glad it’s almost the weekend when I’ll be grocery shopping, doing the Mr. and Mrs. Claus talk with my husband, birthday shopping for one of the twins…lather, rinse, repeat.

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Weekend Gallery

October 27, 2015

No apologies for being two days late – life happens.

The stores are now brimming with holiday offerings! I have a feeling there’ll be some really good posts in the future – Christmas seems to bring the ridiculous out in the hopes of making a buck off something. I really need to go back and read “Unplug The Christmas Machine” and try for a saner holiday but…that’s another post. On with the show!

OMG – when will the Frozen merchandise end! It should end with these. Or the string cheese packs I saw (no pic because I had forgotten my phone). And when you tell your kids your having “Frozen Jello” for dinner well, they just might think you’re crazy. UGH! Just stop already!

Okay, Frozen isn’t your thing? How about Star Wars Jello! *shaking my head* The only Star Wars celebration I want is the one in two years for the 40th anniversary of the original movie.

A weekend ago I bought myself these two wonderful items: 1) a cute new purse since my $5 Goodwill find is looking worn and 2) a cute little Webkinz chipmunk I bought for a buck at Goodwill. My girls love her too, but this one is MINE.

OMG – is that…is that..the Walmart Smiley Face in the butter??

This post has my “seal” of approval. Hah – see what I did there?

And there you have it. Next week I’ll try to find the string cheese so you’ll see I’m not lying. Until next Sunday!

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Music Monday – Show Me the Way

October 26, 2015

This is one of my favorite Styx songs, but I had kind of forgotten it. I was making dinner last week and I found it in my Amazon Music library so I hit play. Well, the tears started instantly. It reminded me of too many struggles, people who have passed away, and trying so desperately to hold on through so many dark days. And that’s what it’s about – holding on to your faith in God, in people, in yourself, as you face the darkest times. A prayer to God to help us through the difficulties of life.

Show Me the Way came out in 1990. From Wikipedia: “Lead vocalist/keyboardist Dennis DeYoung, a devout Roman Catholic, originally wrote the song for his son Matthew as a pseudo-hymn about the struggle to keep the faith in a “world so filled with hatred”.

No extra input on this one – I think the song speaks for itself. I know it also speaks for me.

Every night I say a prayer in the hopes that there’s a Heaven
But every day I’m more confused as the saints turn in to sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside, so afraid that I’ve lost my faith

Show me the way
Show me the way
Take me tonight to the river and wash my illusions away
Please, show me the way

As I slowly drift to sleep for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes and know there’s peace in a world so filled with hatred
Then I wake up each morning and turn on the news and find we’ve so far to go
And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid I just won’t know

Show me the way
Show me the way
Bring me tonight to the mountain and take my confusion away
And show me the way

And if I see a light, should I believe?
Tell me, how will I know?

Show me the way
Show me the way
Take me tonight to river and wash my illusions away
Show me the way

Show me the way

Show me the way

Give me the strength and the courage

To believe that I’ll get there someday

And please show me the way

Every night I say a prayer in the hopes that there’s a heaven…

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Ordinary Days

October 24, 2015

Now that the days are getting shorter, I have been playing games like Yahtzee, Battleship, and Outburst with Becky. Popcorn was involved.

I am still taking one of the kids shopping with me every Saturday as well – today is Joe’s turn and there will be Starbucks too. Might just get a Peppermint Mocha this morning – they are my favorite no matter what time of year it is.

Last night we had a junky food dinner of hot dogs, chips, and soda with brownies for dessert. We rarely have stuff like this so it’s actually a treat for us. After dinner there was a lot of chat at the table. Love that.

Had a great week of school and I got several good nights of sleep so I think that really helped to make my days go smoothly.

Ordinary days – it’s what my life is made of.

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Weekend Gallery

October 18, 2015

Hooray! The Pre-Christmas season is underway which means loads of great blog fodder in the stores. Bahahahaha! Just look what I’ve found!

Here we have the obligatory Santa Pimp Hat – I’ll leave you to make your own jokes about this one.

It’s easy people – if the bag is “giant” then really large toys should fit don’t ya think?

And I guess these are jars that you put candy in. To me it says – OMG – they scooped out Santa’s insides!

I know a lot of people buy new pajamas as Christmas presents. Here’s a set that you could sleep in and use it when you’re a sheep in this year’s nativity play, no? And yes, that is my daughter photobombing in the background.

And toys – did I mention toys? Here’s a really creepy Ken Fashionista doll – I’ve never seen a Barbie doll that wasn’t smiling. What’s with that?

And to think this is just the beginning folks! Can’t wait to see what I find next. :-)

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Music Monday

October 13, 2015

I first heard “Drive” by Incubus back in the early 2000’s and was immediately drawn to it. Yeah, like all the other songs I write about. I probably won’t write about a song I don’t like or don’t think has any merit. For me it’s the words and the music and it’s a rare combination anymore. Anyway. This song is about how fear drives a person and how much we let it control us or how we can take over the steering and control our own lives. And most of our lives are under our control. In The Simplicity Primer the author talks about how most of our lives are made up of our own choices – good or bad. I hadn’t really given it a lot of thought, but yeah, there’s a lot of truth in that. So, here we go.

“Drive” by Incubus

Sometimes I feel the fear of the uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer

There was a time when my older boys were younger that I probably should have seen a doctor about my anxiety. At the time I didn’t even know it had a name. Fear does take hold and steer you in a direction you don’t want to go in the guise of keeping you safe. It can be simple like a party where you don’t know anyone. It can be much bigger, like being afraid to even leave your home. Either way, it keeps you from living your life.

It’s driven me before, and it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I’m beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel

Here the writer is recognizing what’s going on in himself and that whatever fears he has he needs to face and he needs to be in charge of his own life instead of letting fear (people, jobs, insert whatever here) be in charge. I’m glad that the writer of this song recognized this in himself at a young age. As we know, it’s harder to teach old dogs new tricks.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there, I’ll be there

I’m slowly getting to the point where I can say this too. That whatever happens I will embrace it. That life can be good and it doesn’t have to be scary all the time. It’s like that line in “It’s A Wonderful Life” that George says – “I don’t care care what happens to me – let me live again.” Kind of the same here.

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Should I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive
It’s driven me before, and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
Lately, I’m beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found

One of the hive – like everyone else. I think about that often – what do other people do? How do other people handle these things? I know I’m different – I am socially awkward – so I look at what other people and wonder what they are doing that I am not. Sometimes I even ask to see what I can learn from them. Once we begin standing on our own two feet, facing the fears, living our lives, it becomes easier every time we do it.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there, I’ll be there

(bridge)

Would you choose water over wine… hold the wheel and drive

I’ve thought about this line before and now I think I get it! What I’m getting is this – water is a life that is holding you back while wine is a life that is fully lived. He’s asking, would you really choose the lesser? Then he responds, “hold the wheel and drive” – kind of like saying “just do it”.

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there, I’ll be there

So, that’s my take on this song and it kind of goes with the whole self-help thing I talked about last time. There will be more on that to come as well as I grow and change again. I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself or my decisions, but getting better at it and learning to hold the wheel and drive. So, take a listen if it’s been awhile or if you’ve never heard this one. Enjoy!

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Too much self-help help?

October 6, 2015

Life used to be so simple before we all started reading about how to live it. – Ben Wyld

I have a lot of self-help books ranging from how to clean your house to how to clean your soul. I have ones I will never give up like my codependency books by Melody Beattie. I have some that I bought with high hopes and they are going to new homes via Goodwill – most of them never read. I always have very high expectations from books (and myself), but maybe that’s the wrong place to look for help? I took “The Last Self Help Book You’ll Ever Need” by Paul Pearsall out of the library last weekend. I don’t think I’ll finish reading it because I don’t agree with a lot of it, however, it did give me food for thought.

I’ve often wondered what would happen if I chucked all my self-help books (except for the ones that have actually helped) and just lived my life the way that is right for me. Seems like I’ve done that before and it was fine. I read this article and found this:

As convener and lecturer of the course Worrying Ourselves to Death, (Dr. Susan) Hardy says the self-help industry and the media promote a view that people can’t lead their lives without expert advice.

Huh, that’s something to think about. And what about this:

(Farrah) Correy says, however, that the sheer bulk of information can make it difficult for people to identify their true needs and feelings, causing them to look for answers in the outer world rather than contemplate their inner voice.

And here’s the crux:

But the appeal of relying on outside sources of advice is that it acts as a protection device for when people fail. “If something doesn’t work they can blame the book and not themselves,” she says. “No one wants to admit they’re wrong.”

Books are great, but they can only guide – it’s really up to us to do the work. Not to mention what works for one doesn’t mean it works for all.

I’m kind of tired of self-help books right now and especially tired of buzzwords like “margin” – that one is really overused these days. But, I’ve also become complacent and comfortable and need to push myself a little further again. But, this time, without the extra “voices” telling me what to do because I can look around my own life and listen to my own voice telling me what I need to know and what I need to do. Any more than that and I can always go to therapy. :-)

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Music Monday

October 5, 2015

One of my all time favorites is this one by the 80’s British group Simply Red – Holding Back the Years. It came out in 1985 only 7 years after I had left England, but it felt like a hundred years. This song reminds me of those years in London, and I can see the neighborhood I lived in, the streets I roamed, all of it. This song is also timeless in melody – a sweet jazzy tune that is great for early mornings around town or late nights reading in bed.

Mike Hucknall, lead singer for Simply Red, wrote this song in 1977 when he was 17 (which explains why it reminds me of London because that was the last year we lived there). He wrote it to get through feelings of his mother’s leaving the family and probably trying to live up to his father’s expectations. To date it is Simply Red’s most recognizable and best song and it’s no wonder – between the lyrics and the music it is a knockout. Here’s my take on it.

Holding Back the Years by Simply Red

Holding back the years
Thinking of the fear I’ve had so long
When somebody hears
Listen to the fear that’s gone

Trying to hold back feelings that you have stuffed for a long time and trying to make sense of them can seem like trying to hold back a tidal wave. Eventually it does have to be dealt with and it sounds like he was young enough to realize what was going on and to try to move on from it.

Strangled by the wishes of pater
Hoping for the arm of mater
Get to me the sooner or later

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on

This is so personal – his father probably wanting his son to fit into his shoes and desperately needing the mother who he loved but wasn’t there. He just kept holding on trying to make it all work. Maybe holding on until he could leave home?

Holding back the years
Chance for me to escape from all I know
Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown

Leaving home at a young age and hoping you can make a better life. You know that whatever relationship you’ve been in isn’t working and you need to move on. This is his experience with his family but it could also be about any relationship that simply hasn’t grown for one reason or another and you just can’t try anymore.

I’ve wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
Nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could, yeah

These are my favorite lines and I know them so well. Year after year trying to make things better and crying and begging for things to be different, but you know it’s never going to happen.

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on so tight

I’ve wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could

I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
I’ll keep holding on
Holding, holding, holding, yeah

In the video for this song Mike Hucknall is walking through a grave yard. Maybe a metaphor for laying all the tears, fears, longing to rest as he begins a new life on his own? Looks like it to me. Of course, I always try to find meaning in these things. Sometimes it’s there and sometimes it just is what it is.

That’s all I have today
It’s all I have to say

Well, it might have been all he had to say but he said a lot! For many of us he touched a place in our hearts that only we thought was there.

Phew – pass the tissues please. Anyway, that’s all I have for today and I’ve several tunes lined up for the next few weeks so come back again and take a listen.

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Weekend Gallery

October 4, 2015

I don’t have much this week because I just haven’t taken that many photos. I’m waiting for all the goofy Christmas crap to arrive in the stores. :-)

Okay, here is a picture of some ginormous watermelons. Indeed, even watermelons now come super sized.

And because son #4 thinks everything can be waffled, here we have canned biscuits filled with ham and cheese and waffleized. Actually they were not too bad. The honey butter biscuits were too sweet though.

Last weekend I took all 3 girls to Sonic during Happy Hour – it cost $2 for four small slushes – a great deal. I had the iconic Ocean Water while the girls had mango and watermelon flavors. All were pronounced delicious.

My oldest daughter turned 15 on Friday. Good grief – 15! My baby girl is growing up. I took her to Starbucks for a celebratory latte and pastry after grocery shopping this morning.

So, that’s a wrap people. I think next week I will do pictures of recent book purchases with small reviews so come back and see what I’m reading. Have a good week!

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What’s Holding You Back

October 3, 2015

Yesterday was a 10 hour marathon of What Not To Wear on TLC! I haven’t seen any episodes in a very long time so I got snacks and just vegetated with my daughters in front of the tv. It was bliss! They showed one of my favorite old episodes – Ed – and I laughed so much. Haven’t done that in awhile either. I wish I had taken notes though because there were so many things Stacy and Clinton said that I wanted to remember so I could apply them to my own life. The biggest take away – what is holding you back.

I thought about that because I know one thing for sure that is holding me back – my weight. Okay, how could I change that? I need to lose weight. What changes could I make that would help me lose weight? The biggest thing I need to start with is water and vitamins. Water because I just don’t get enough and vitamins because my diet (as in the way I’m eating) sucks. The other thing is movement and I read a blurb that said if you work at a desk you should move 2 minutes every hour. Hey, I could do that march in place thing 2 minutes every hour. Kaizen! Yeah, I could do those things.

What else is holding me back? My attitude. Right now I’m stuck in an endless angry loop. Acceptance is the last stage of grief and it seems like I’m doing everything to not get there. Acceptance to me means a loss of self, loss of my dreams, to accept where I am and I just can’t do that. The other reason is I don’t get angry in the right ways or when I need to or at the right people. I tend to gloss things over or stuff the feelings. So, what can I do to stop the cycle? I found a workbook on anger with questions and exercises to help manage anger and angry feelings. Also forgiveness and mercy are lacking as well. It’s hard to admit but every day lately is a grouchfest. It would be easier if some of the other people around me got their crap together, but I can only take care of my crap.

The number one thing that holds me back is fear. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of sometimes. Like the weight loss – is it fear of failure (again)? Fear of what I might look like when the weight is gone? Fear of doing all that stuff and nothing changing anyway (like what was the point of all that)? I haven’t figured that out yet. I was very scared when we did the get out of debt thing and whenever the phone rang I jumped a mile. But I faced the fear and got through it and we are better for it. Why can’t I do the same thing with my weight? Why can’t I do the same thing in trying to make friends?

There are some great quotes that I have found and I’m going to put one here and then maybe write some on post-it’s and put them around the house as reminders. Something has to change because you know what the definition of insanity is: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

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