Oh Crap! – Musings of an Unperfect Mommy

I’m Un-Facebooking

September 30, 2015

This was a post also from July/August 2014 and it was going to follow the whiny crappy day post that you may have read yesterday. I’m a sensitive person and Facebook just felt too much like Jr High and I could not deal with anymore. So I left Facebook. Too many happy people having a wonderful time and their 5 billion “friends” commenting. It was just too depressing. So, if you want to read another whiny post – go right ahead. Again, it’s more of a Dear Diary thing for me.

Yeah, you heard that right – I’m terminating my Facebook account and it goes away at the end of the month. Why you ask? Well, that’s a long story, but here’s the short version with apologies to Charles Schulz:

“Rats, no one liked my FB post. I almost wish there weren’t any social network websites. I know nobody likes me – why do we have to have social networks to emphasize it?”

I’m just way too sensitive for this sort of thing. My whole life I’ve struggled to make and keep friends. At 51 I have no friends – no, not an exaggeration, I don’t have one friend. There is no one I can call up on a bad day and cry to. No one I can share my joys with. It hurts, and being on Facebook where it’s emphasized all the more by people getting 92 comments/likes on everything they post about. Yeah, it hurts.

So, I’m done with that. I’m crumpling it all up like a crappy picture I drew and tossing it out. There will probably be another time down the road where I can deal with it like a normal person, definitely when there are weddings and grandchildren, but that’s not now.

So, sorry folks – it just isn’t happening for me.

To update – I’ve been off Facebook for over a year and I do not miss it. For me it was a good choice.

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The Incredibly Frustrating Day of Bullshit

September 29, 2015

NOTE: I wrote this July 2014 but never posted it. I figured it was too angry, angsty, whiny, whatever. I’m going to post it today as kind of a journal entry for me – you know, like, “Dear Diary: It was a real shitty day today”. Anyway – read if you want but you have been warned. I’ve changed the names of the guilty parties because I always fear backlash. Yeah, really not brave.

Okay, let’s take it from the top:

1. Big Box Store – Went into the store and what did I see? One of the employees sitting in a box of watermelons sorting them out. Yes, that’s right – IN THE BOX. My stomach lurched. I wanted to get something in the school supply aisle – it was blocked because they were stocking the shelves. Never mind.

2. Coffee Shop – Went in drive thru as always and ordered two drinks and two pastries. Well, the guy had to ask me to repeat my order 3 times! Too bad I couldn’t have escaped the line right then and there – never a good sign. I get up to the window, I pay, my drinks are done quickly. Just waiting on the pastries. Waiting, waiting. She says it will be a couple minutes. Waiting, waiting. That’s when I hear her tell the guy she needs the pastries – she doesn’t even have them ready! REALLY PEOPLE?? Then it’s, “can you pull around and we’ll bring them right out”. Now, I have a huge 20 foot long van, and their parking lot is really, really small so I can’t really do that. Okay, I thought, I’lld find a parking spot – no luck – it’s packed. My only other option was to leave so that’s what I did. Leave. Without my pastries that I paid for. Just wait ’till I get home. (Note – I sent a complaint letter when I got home – this is the third time they’ve messed things up THIS MONTH).

4. Unload to my husband – bad idea.

5. Go to library and bookstore with the girls – at least that was a good trip. Then I remember, Oh yeah, need to go pick up my meds at (name and address witheld). The ones I called in last night and I wanted them ready at 9am today…

6. Big Chain Pharmacy – There’s a problem with your prescription. Oh, here it comes again – they flag it because they want to make me aware there’s a generic. They’ve told me this every time I need a refill and I’ve told every time I don’t want the generic. It’s been going on this way for two years! That hurdle jumped, they can’t find my prescription! Remember it was supposed to be ready at 9am – it is now 4pm. “Just a minute we’ll fill it for you”. I don’t have time! I have 3 kids with me as you can see so I’ll come back tomorrow. Which I won’t. I’ll just transfer my damn prescriptions and never deal with you people again. I’m almost in tears – again – on the drive home.

And now it’s 4:30pm and I’m tired and my family is expecting food which I do not want to cook so I send husband out for burgers and “cook” frozen sweet potato fries at home (cuts down on the cost of eating out you know).

Oh, and I forgot – earlier this week our washer decided to die. Lots of smoke and nasty smells. So, I called the place where we bought it and guess what? The warranty expired. So, it’s laundromat time again until I can get someone out to get it fixed. And with 8 people in the house it just isn’t easy.

So, I don’t want to hear about anyone’s damn vacations to wherever or how much fun you’re having over the summer because I’m not. Hell, we’ve never had a vacation in 30 years of marriage. Never. I’m trying really hard to offer it all up and it’s getting really difficult. So, God, Jesus, Mary, St. Jude, St. Martha, and St. (in my book anyway) Evelyn Ryan – I’m begging you – we need serious help here!!

Phew – that’s all folks. Until tomorrow with my rant about why I’m not on Facebook anymore.

As an update: We did get the washer (and dryer) fixed fairly quickly. I did complain to Coffee Shop and they sent me coupons and also told me that the higher ups and the local manager would be told. Bahahahaha! As for Pharmacy, we ended up going somewhere else due to husband’s insurance changes, so that’s where we go now for our prescription needs. Unfortunately a family member’s medical problems that started last summer escalated this summer so two summers in a row that haven’t been any fun. Le sigh.

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Music Monday

September 28, 2015

Today we have a wonderful song by Alanis Morissette – Hand In My Pocket. Even though I was in my early 30’s when this came out in 1995, I really liked it. I felt old by then, but I was still young (ha! see what I did there?) I’m sure it was meant more for young 20 somethings (like Alanis who was only 21 when this came out), but I think it speaks to everyone at any time in their life when you are having a crisis of self. I’m going through it now in my 50’s and I’ve been through it before around every decade it seems. But that’s okay – that’s how we grow and change. Yes, change! That’s part of the growth. If we don’t change then things get stagnant and relationships and jobs and whatever can actually die and there is no growth. But I digress.

The other thing I love about this song is the opposites featured throughout and the fact that at the end of each stanza there is a line that doesn’t rhyme. It’s like she made it all rhyme and then switched the endings around. Great poetry! So, here’s the song and my take on some of the lines. Enjoy!

Hand In My Pocket

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby

Okay, I’ve lived all of these things. We went through a time with NO vehicle. That’s right – none. The only car we had died. No, we didn’t have a car for him and a car for her – we had ONE for everybody. However, that was one of the best years ever. We paid off bills, stayed home and made memories with our kids and so on. I think it was during this time our tv died too. It was rough, but it was also good in so many ways.

I am sane and overwhelmed – all.of.the.time. Right now though, I feel more lost and less hopeful, but…

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

Yes, five and fine – close but not rhyming. :-)

I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m restless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

This is everyone in their 20’s I think.

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

*harmonica solo*

And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

Yep, unrhyming stanzas. Again.

I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m hard but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chickenshit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

Okay, didn’t “sick” used to mean something besides sick? Looked it up in the dictionary and apparently it can mean a lot of things. Hmmm. Let’s see, why yes, I do fit all of these descriptions except for that last one. Not sick and not pretty. The first time I heard this song I laughed when she said chickenshit – oh yes I did! That’s one of the things that endeared me to it. Mostly though it spoke to me – like all of the songs I post about.

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
but I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to my friends, yeah,
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

And the refrain, haven’t talked about it have I? It is the way we all are, but thing’s will be fine, there is hope, even if we haven’t figured out who we are, what we want out of life, if we want to marry or not. I wish I had taken more time to figure things out in my life before jumping into things I wasn’t ready for. Hindsight – it’s a bitch.

That’s today’s Music Monday – I’ll be back next week with more musical memories.

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Venice c. 1975

September 24, 2015

I’m NOT calling it Throwback Thursday – I’m calling it stories and photos of some great things that happened to me once upon a time. And I am going to start with this class trip to Venice I took when I was about 12/13 years old. Yeah, yeah, eons ago.

My family lived in London, England, from 1972 to 1977. My brothers and I went to two different schools there for the American transplants and both schools had trips abroad every fall and spring. I was able to go to Rome and Paris on these trips and then to Venice which was my most favorite of them all. And when I mean school trip it was a trip the school kids went on (you signed up for it) without parents but with the teachers as chaperones. It was a wonderful experience to see places I might never have seen, but it was also a growing up experience too. Like the time the jr. high kids were haggling with vendors in Rome. It wasn’t all fun – the trip to Paris was terrible – but today I’m remembering Venice.

Right from the start I loved the city – it was incredibly beautiful. We stayed in this hotel that felt like it was about 500 years old. There was a bridge close by and on the other side were shops. In one of the shops they (I believe they were brothers) made little glass trinkets (after all Venice is known for its glass works). Well, we loved it! These guys would make anything you asked them to and someone asked them to make a turtle. Well, that was all they made for the rest of that week – we couldn’t get enough! My green glass turtle is the only physical item I have from that trip and I treasure it.

I don’t remember doing many touristy things there, but we did go on a gondola ride that I almost wimped out on. I’m glad I didn’t – it was so much fun! And I believe we went to St. Mark’s Square as well. We also did a lot of walking through the streets and seeing shops and such.

At the end of every day we had the evening meal all together in the dining room. We were expected to dress up and I mean dresses for the girls and nice shirts and pants for the boys. I loved it – I have always loved wearing dresses and getting dolled up. (I have lost that over the years and maybe, hopefully, some day will feel confident enough to do it again). It was just wonderful.

Well, the last night we were there, a group of kids were in someone’s room and they were all playing Truth or Dare. I remember slipping into the room because it looked like so much fun. I sat down on a bed to see what would happen. It was a boy’s turn and he took the dare. I strained to listen to the older kid giving the dare. And there it was “I dare you to kiss HER”! Wait what – ME? They wanted him to kiss ME? What the heck?? I thought there was no way he was going to do that. I wasn’t pretty (acne and crooked teeth) and I wondered how he was going to get out of it. But…he went through with it – he kissed me! And it wasn’t just a quick peck on the cheek (not even on the cheek) – it was tender and so sweet. And it was my first kiss. Suddenly – dun dun DUN – who should be walking by but one of the chaperones – right at that moment! HOLY CRAP! I can still remember the look on his face and words like “what is going on here” may have been yelled! Kids scattered and that was the end of that. The next day we left to go back to London but that trip stayed with me for a long time.

You know, when I try to think back on the specifics I think I liked the boy and he may have liked me. Maybe they didn’t think he’d kiss a homely girl like me. I really don’t care. The way I remember it is how I’ll always remember it without any regrets or reservation or overthinking. Simple and sweet. Like my turtle.

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Wednesday Wisdom

September 23, 2015

Today we have a quote by the great Ralph Waldo Emerson. The first time I saw it was in “The Happiness File” by Pam and Peggy Young – the Sidetracked Sisters. I can see how they were drawn to the quote having spent many years attempting to organize themselves and their families – hell, I’ve been there too. But I can see how it’s also a way to live – forgetting your past mistakes and making tomorrow better by having a better outlook on life – each day is new and all that. Here it is:

“Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in. Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear with its hopes and invitations to waste a moment on yesterdays.”

I used to hold on to my mistakes and hardly let myself forget them. I would think about the smallest thing like feeling I looked stupid when talking with someone and go over and over it in my head. Somewhere over the last 7 years I stopped doing that. I think it’s when I realized I wasn’t the only one to have those moments – we all do. I wasn’t the only one whose toilet overflowed (a billion times). I wasn’t the only one to feel awkward with other people. We all do. Running over a curb when backing out of a parking space. I’ve seen other people do that too! And bigger mistakes meant intense worry – the kind that takes your health. Letting go of that ruminating has been very freeing and every time I have one of those moments and I don’t dwell on it, I realize just how far I’ve come in the last 7 years.

And that you’ve done what you could bit? For me it’s kids and housekeeping and all that – I do what I can, the best I can – each day. If something doesn’t get done well it’s probably going to be there to do tomorrow – no use worrying about all that either.

So, I had a good night of sleep last night, my plans are written down, and it’s the first day of Fall – pumpkin pies will be made. It’s a day that is good and fair.

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I Did the Right Thing

September 22, 2015

Yesterday Maggie and I were talking about stuff and she was talking about memories of her twin sisters. She talked about how happy she was when they were born, how heavy they were when she held them because she herself was small. I shared the memory of when Matt and I had taken the twins for a check-up and they were sleeping when we got home so I left them in their car seats (they were only 3 months old. Maggie started taking them out and wanted to play with them, but I told her to leave them alone. She looked at me and said, “But they’re MY babies!” :-) Maggie laughed as we remembered and then she said, “I’m so glad I have sisters!” And I thought back to the decision we had made that I wanted to at least have one more child so that there was a hope of Maggie having a sister and not being the only girl. Maggie was blessed with not one but two sisters and me three daughters. So, I did the right thing. Many people thought I was crazy (probably still do), but I now have confirmation that it was indeed the right thing.

Awhile back I had this dream. I was on a cruise ship and everything was white – the ship, the walls, the bedding, the clothes – all white. The sky was a pristine blue and the beach was white with sand. There were a lot of us in a room and we were leaving, I must have been complaining or something because the captain turned to me and said, “You may not be doing the fun thing, but you’re doing the right thing”. Even in my dreams I have confirmation of what I know deep inside.

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Music Monday

September 21, 2015

I’m re-watching “My So-Called Life” and this song was in the pilot episode – Everybody Hurts by REM. Today it seems particularly appropriate since in my own life and family the Oh Crap punches just keep coming.

This month I celebrate the anniversary of my almost falling off the edge back in 2008. I say celebrate because it was the true beginning of my recovery from depression and the things that contributed to it. I took a walk in the cool morning air at the local duck pond one morning and realized that I had to hang on – for my children’s sake mostly – because I didn’t know what the future held. Maybe things could (and would) actually get better. That’s what kept me hanging on. That was the real beginning to my recovery. And here I am 7 years later still making progress, still hanging on. Some things haven’t changed, some may never change, but many others have and for the better.

I could talk more, but I won’t because I tend to derail things so quickly. And I won’t comment because I think this song is simple enough to get. Just know you are not alone – even if you feel like it – there are people who can help you. And there are other people who are hurting who need a friend and you could be that friend.

“Everybody Hurts” – REM

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this life, well hang on

Don’t let yourself go
‘Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well hang on

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don’t throw your hand, oh no

Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts

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Food Addiction

September 19, 2015

It’s been a long day – physically tiring. My back and feet are hurting and my patience is wearing thin. We have eaten dinner and I am sitting at the computer looking up stuff in the hopes to help my soul. Re-start my life. I am having coffee and gingersnaps. I am also thinking of the bag of cheddar and caramel popcorn that I plan on diving into later. I keep thinking that somehow the food will fill the empty space inside me. I don’t even know what is supposed to fill that space, but there is a longing for something and food (never the healthy kind) fills it temporarily. The thing is I’m gaining more weight so I know I can’t keep doing this. I am using food for a purpose it was not intended to be. It needs to stop. Problem is – it feels like a good friend is abandoning me. Whenever I think about that it makes it hard to stop.

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Wednesday Wisdom

September 16, 2015

So, today, I’m going to share something my oldest wrote for his company blog thing. It’s about communication in the workplace and I think he makes many valid points to take to heart and put into practice. No, I’m not linking because he’s my son, I’m linking because it is a good article. I was going to say a whole bunch of stuff, but I think this article stands on its own. Now go read The Art of Office Communication.

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Weekend Gallery

September 13, 2015

Welcome to another Weekend Gallery where you are invited to stroll with me through pictures of what I’ve been seeing or doing lately. Stay with the group please. :-)

Here we have the fall answer to the watermelon cupcake mix and frosting. Yep – cookies that look like candy corn! UGH! I’d rather just eat the candy corn – it’s easier and it’s the real thing. Granted they are just mini sugar blocks but I have to have them every September as the seasons change.

And, because the holidays are getting closer – a huge display of nutcrackers. I took this picture a month ago in a local craft store – nothing like getting a really early start on things.

I also took a mini vacation last month and snapped this in my hotel room after settling in. Oh how sweet and needful that time was! BTW – That’s only a fraction of the stuff I brought with me.

And lastly here we have the obligatory tea and cook….I mean biscuits after a lovely trip to the library. Now that the library is open on Sundays again, we can look forward to more of these teas.

My life is rather ordinary (although extra-ordinary when the oh crap stars align), but these moments are what make my life and they are special to me. Well, except for the candy corn cookies.

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