Oh Crap! – Musings of an Unperfect Mommy

It Doesn’t Matter

August 6, 2014

Well, okay, that’s what I keep telling myself anyway. I started about a month ago, maybe less, to tell myself this whenever self doubts started showing up. I look in the mirror and I don’t feel pretty – it doesn’t matter. Listening to Christmas music in August – it doesn’t matter. What do people think of me? Doesn’t matter because they don’t know who I am and are judging only what they see and not what they know.

The other statement that usually follows is, “No one cares” which is probably correct. I don’t look perfect? No one cares. I’m wearing SHORTS to the laundromat? No one cares. And I’m probably right. And those who do care about those superficial things to the exclusion of actually caring about someone no matter their clothing or income size, well, who cares.

And, make no mistake, I’m not saying this about everything because some things DO matter. Taking care of our health, the relationships most important to us, being kind and considerate to others (including ourselves) – those things really are important so I will not be using “it doesn’t matter” and “no one cares” there (although in my darker days it’s tempting to do so).

The results of this self talk experiment have been kind of interesting – I have more confidence when I go out into the world and if people are laughing at me behind my back so be it. It’s nothing new to me and I’m going to be ME whether anyone else likes it or not. I have no friends anyway so, again, it doesn’t matter. At my age I think I’ve earned the right to be who I am and live my life in a way that is pleasing to me.

I used to go around praying that I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew because I couldn’t deal with facing them. Or I wasn’t ready to see them – needed to lose 50lbs before I felt worthy. Now, while I would still rather not run into some people I know, when I do I know I can simply say “Hi – how are you – I’m fine” and move on without saying another word. And it’s okay.

So, when the repairman comes to (hopefully) fix the washer and dryer I can say, it doesn’t matter if my house isn’t perfect (8 people live here after all), the only thing that matters is that we get those appliances fixed because 8 people need their laundry done. It doesn’t matter if I’m on another medicine, what matters is that I’m here another 8 years to see all my kids get out of the house and on their own. It’s high time I started realize what’s really important and what isn’t so I can move forward some more.

What matters – finally – is I see that I have worth and value in my own eyes even if no one else sees it.

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Comfort Cravings

August 5, 2014

I bet you’ll never guess what I’m listening to right now. Why, yes, that’s right – I AM listening to Christmas music. Come Let Us Be Merry by Carrie Crompton and the Barolk Folk (an oldie but goodie). And I’m smelling the lovely scent of the apple and spice candle that is Leaves from Bath and Body Works. On the stove is a steaming pot of Broccoli Cheese soup into which we’ll dip yummy turkey sandwiches. For dessert, Chessman cookies from Pepperidge Farm. Oh, almost forgot about the lovely mug of coffee I made for myself as well. All comfort foods – all things I am needing right now. I was sitting in the recliner with tears streaming down my face and I decided to make myself feel better in a way that I knew was right. So, out of season? Perhaps, but then again, my new mantra is “It doesn’t matter.” And really, it doesn’t. Especially not now.

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» 2014 » August » Oh Crap! – Musings of an Unperfect Mommy

It Doesn’t Matter

August 6, 2014

Comfort Cravings

August 5, 2014

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