Oh Crap! – Musings of an Unperfect Mommy

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July 1, 2012

This is not only the title of this blog post, but also the title of the “thirtysomething” episode I watched tonight. It is a parallel of sorts to what is going on in my own life. One of my favorite sayings about other people is, “Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt”. I haven’t even touched my own denial about my health. But that’s about to change. Warning: spoilers ahead :-).

In this episode, Ellyn is taking a ton of stomach remedies because she knows she has something going on – like “just an ulcer”. Yet, she continues to deny to her friends – and herself – that anything is really wrong. Her friends try to help, but she keeps pushing everyone away. Her boyfriend knows that something is wrong, but she won’t admit it. One of her lines to Hope is, “I’m always fine”. Hmm – yes – classic denial.

Her family doctor tells her to go to a GI doctor to find out what’s going on and refuses to prescribe any more meds. She throws away the piece of paper with the GI doc’s name on it. In the meantime she chugs coffee and does everything she usually does pretending that everything is okay. Among other things – hey! – I’m not going to give off the whole episode!

Now, let’s talk about me. Yes, I’ve been just like Ellyn. I’ve known that something is wrong, but just couldn’t put my finger on it. High blood pressure crossed my mind, but I’d push it out as soon as it came to light. I know I’m overweight, yet I’ve kept on eating chocolate and goodies whenever I need them to fix my feelings. And sometimes just because they taste good. I started drinking caffeinated coffee the last couple of months knowing full well that it’s not a good thing for me to do. Yet, thinking all the time, “I’m fine”.

Things go from bad to worse and one night Ellyn ends up coughing up blood and that is when she finally realizes that something is very, very wrong. Yet, she tries to drive herself to the hospital repeating “I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay”, knowing that she isn’t. She finally asks someone for help to get her a cab so she can get to the hospital.

Last Thursday I drove myself to the doctor’s office to see the P.A. knowing that my blood pressure was very high – stroke level is what she said. That’s why I went to the P.A. – because I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. She made me take some bp meds right away and scheduled me in for the following week. She also said, “We’re going to be seeing a lot of each other.” Somehow that makes me feel better.

When her doctor comes to see her he tells her that she is going to have to change her ways: You’ve got to change your life, you’ve got to change your work habits, and find some way to relax. I can treat the symptoms, but if you don’t deal with the causes you won’t get well. Period.

My doctor doesn’t have to tell me that I need to change my ways – I know it. I’ve known for a long time. Because my blood pressure was high when I delivered the twins, I really didn’t think much about it. So for 9 years it has had a chance to get worse – especially after I put this weight back on. Now is the time to take care of it and now is the time to make changes in my life. The weird thing is, I feel like I now have “permission” to eat right and lose weight – I have a reason. Like before just doing it for myself or so I could look and feel better wasn’t enough. Wow – what a revelation!

I also need to cut the stress and that’s going to be a little harder, but I’ve got to find ways to do it. Delegating projects is the first way and we’ll see what else I can do after that.

When she gets home from the hospital, Ellyn finds out that her boyfriend has left. She calls her mom and goes to stay with her awhile. She realizes at last that something has to give – that she isn’t okay and that she does need help. She calls the therapist that her doctor recommended. Crying and trying to keep it together she leaves a message for him. I made the same type of call back in 2008. I understand that pain.

So now I’m on a blood pressure medicine and it has actually made a huge difference. I truly had no idea just how bad it was before. I’ve been losing some weight due to chugging water instead of coffee. The swelling I had been experiencing (and chalking up to weight) has lessened a lot. My hands and feet feel downright skinny! I feel calmer and I have tools to use to take care of myself.

Yesterday I went to the store and bought mostly healthy foods that were on the menu plan I’m following for the week. My goal is to lose weight and lower my blood pressure. My kids need me and I have to do it for them too.

I feel like Humpty Dumpty – broken physically. Hopefully between my good doctors and myself we can heal what’s wrong and put me back together again.

6 comments
Comments

On July 2, 2012 at 2:06 PM, dxprog said:

The threat of my verbal attacks should be enough to keep you off of coffee. If you thought it was bad before, well... you ain't seen nothing yet ;)

On July 2, 2012 at 6:38 PM, java_queen said:

Yeah, thinking of you coming after me if I have a coffee in my hand is a scary thought :-). Don't worry - I'm being good!

On July 2, 2012 at 8:59 PM, Val said:

I am glad you figured out what is wrong and are getting treatment! I have high cholesterol and never would have known had I not done a routine health risk assessment at work.

On July 2, 2012 at 10:05 PM, java_queen said:

Really? Wow - glad you got that checked out too! I'll be having my cholesterol checked this Friday I think. - the dr. did mention it. Are you taking meds for that then?

On July 5, 2012 at 7:32 PM, Val said:

Yes, I am. It was a very sobering thought when I realized I would be taking a medication for the rest of my life.

On July 6, 2012 at 11:53 PM, java_queen said:

It's life changing isn't it? I know how you feel.

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