Oh Crap! – Musings of an Unperfect Mommy

Music Monday – The Circle Game

July 31, 2012

I know it’s not Monday, but this song keeps going through my head as it’s about the passing of time as a boy grows from child to man. Timely no? The first time I heard it was on “thirtysomething” and it was on the soundtrack of the show I got last year. Now it’s continually going through my head and it fits my mood and the season I’m in right now. So, I’ll post the words here, but go here for a video and the recording. Enjoy!

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like when you’re older must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town
And they tell him take your time it won’t be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There’ll be new dreams maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

-Words and Music by Joni Mitchell

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Empty Room

July 30, 2012

The upstairs room that the three older boys occupied is now empty – and I do mean EMPTY. I can hardly go in there without crying. As a young parent, you never realize just how swiftly the day comes when your kids leave. My three older boys have flown away and it feels like the end of an era.

If I go in that room I can almost hear the voices I’ve heard over the last 7 years. Loud music playing at 11 or 12 at night when Matt would come home from work. The three boys arguing about all kinds of things – usually tech stuff I think. Lots of laughter while they played games together or watched favorite shows (Matt had a tv in there at one time). It was like a frat house up there and while I grumbled sometimes, I loved it.

The good news is, the room won’t stay empty long – the girls are already waiting to take it over :-). They’ll have more closet space and some cute shelves over the windows to showcase their stuffed animals. So, in August we will be moving kids around the rooms – the girls in the room that belonged to the older boys and the younger boys in the girls room. There will noise again like there was before – music playing, arguing, and laughter. And I’ll enjoy it all while I can.

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Chris Leaves for College Today

July 28, 2012

And I need to post pictures of course!! It is way too hard to find just a few really great pictures that span 21 years though, so I thought let’s just start at the beginning and move forward every 5 years. Believe me, that was much easier! So, let’s get on with the show shall we?

Here I am at Easter 1991 – the one sporting the big bump – and I’m still 3 weeks away from delivering. A friend of mine took this picture and I’m so glad she did because I think it’s the only one I have being pregnant with Chris.

Christopher Patrick made his appearance on April 23, 1991. It was an incredibly easy delivery with no drugs, no iv’s, nothing to get in the way. Labor lasted a total of 3 hours and 20 minutes from breaking of water ’till Chris popped out. Not only was the delivery easy, but he was also a very easy going baby and a champion nurser. It was the best birth experience I ever had.

Wait a minute, I know I said let’s go in 5 year intervals, but I really need to show off Chris’ cuteness and blonde curls. He was two years old in this picture – isn’t he adorable? And he loved trains – especially Thomas (back when Thomas was GOOD).

Okay, let’s continue. It is now 1996, and (I think) this is his 6th birthday picture. He is growing up so fast! And another baby was added that year – Stephen – and Chris did not take it well. Let’s face it, he was the baby for a long time and then he got kicked out of that place. Overall I think he was pretty happy with a new baby around though.

This is also from 1996 and I have to tell that story. I decided to have the three older boys participate in our church’s annual Christmas Eve Play and this is how they looked. Chris was the cutest angel, but he also was a fallen angel of sorts – everyone called him “the littlest angel” after the play. He had a hard time doing what he was supposed to be doing along with the other angels and it was so adorable. So, Matt was St. Joseph, Jeff was a shepherd, Chris was an angel, and Steve got the starring role as Baby Jesus. We had also been homeschooling for 2 years and I think this was Chris’ first official school year.

Now, it’s 2001, and two more babies have been added – Joe in 1999 and Maggie in 2000. The picture I picked for this year was from Christmas. That fall had been difficult as the events of 9/11 unfolded and people across the country felt the fear and the loss. Mike and I had decided earlier that year to give Matt, Jeff, and Chris Game Boy Colors for Christmas. We bought them with our tax refund along with one game each and a case to put everything in. Then, I had to keep it secret for 8 months and that was really difficult. It was worth it though and that Christmas went down in HackFam history as one of the best ever. Here is a photo I snapped of Chris opening his gift and the look of sheer joy on his face brought me to tears. The laughter and joy of that Christmas has remained with me to this day.

Well, time is marching on and now it is 2006 and Chris is 15 years old. We added two more babies in 2003 – Becky and Katie – and also moved to a new house in 2005. We also now have a digital camera so these photos didn’t have to be scanned. Technology moved forward too :-).

In this first photo, the kids are making gingerbread men. And just like the year before, the kids decided to make mutilated gingerbread men with missing limbs and such. Did I get mad? Absolutely NOT – kids will be kids and the memories will be with them forever. That’s the real reason I let them do things like that – it’s the bonding. Chris has always enjoyed cooking though and I know after he moves out that he will not have to rely on fast food or microwave dinners because of a lack of skills.

And here’s a photo of a reflective Chris and this is probably one of the last photos of him overweight. After going to college, Matt made a bet with Chris – if Chris could lose 50lbs by the end of the year, Matt would give him $50. Well, the allure of the money and the desire to be healthier combined to give Chris the incentive he needed to lose that weight. And he did – in fact he ended up losing around 60 pounds and now you’d never know it was the same person!

Now, here’s Chris five years later in 2012 and now 21 years old.

As you can see he is much thinner (and harrier on the chin). He started “buffing up” several months ago and now sports alot of tight muscles. I’m so proud of him for losing the weight on his own initiative and keeping it up. He’s always been like that – if he is doing something he doesn’t like he’ll do it anyway to get it done.

Okay, one more just for good measure. This was taken in April 2001 at Joe’s second birthday party. Chris is the one in the middle and has a look on his face that says, “I ate too many cupcakes”. In reality he was probably just making a silly face. :-)

Chris I am really going to miss you, but I am SO very proud of you!! You have come a long way in 21 years and grown up into a fine young man. I wish you all the best in your new life at college but I also have a feeling that you will do just fine. Even in Calculus because you always were good at math. :-) We’ve been through a lot of fun times, and plenty of bad ones too, but I think it’s pulled us all closer and I hope that never changes. Thank you for your wonderful sense of humor that always sends the house into fits of laughter. Thanks for all your help through the years. I am thankful I have had the privilege of being your mother and to share these first 21 years with you. Now, go out there and seize the day!! Love you son – Mom.

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Who says I can’t??

July 25, 2012

Listen to Christmas music that is :-). Folks, Christmas is only 5 months away and I decided to have Christmas in July today by listening to some good tunes. I picked “Come Let Us Be Merry” by the Barolk Folk and is not overtly Christmasy. It is really alot of old meideval songs and dances that you can listen to any time. However, fall and Christmas are the best times. Now, Steve thinks that’s wimpy Christmas music and when that cd is over he is going to play a Mannheim Steamroller Christmas album. Yes, we’re crazy Christmas people and we like it that way :-).

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Ahead of the Curve

July 23, 2012

I was reading in a book tonight about Catholic practices in the home, and ran into a familiar (yet unfamiliar) term – Lectio Divina. I thought it was synonymous with the Liturgy of the Hours, but it’s not. It is the practice of reading and reflecting on scripture. And guess what? I was already doing it and didn’t know!

What you do is read a passage of scripture (I am currently continuing in Psalms and also reading a chapter of Luke each day), then you meditate on what you read, pray about what you read and contemplate how you can apply it to your life. Well, earlier this year I bought myself a Bible – one that will go with me for a long time – and I started reading it. I started with a Psalm and the book of John. And each day, after I read, I would just close my Bible up and think about what I’d read, ask for help in digesting it, and go on to my prayers for the day in light of what I’d read. So, each morning when I did this, I was practicing Lectio Divina and I didn’t even know it. Cool – I am ahead of the curve for once :-).

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Seeking Friendship

July 18, 2012

So yesterday I decided to try Audible out – you know the place where you buy a membership and get audio books? Amazon had a link to two free Audible books and a 30 day trial membership so I decided to see if a couple books I’ve been looking at were there. They were! One of them is “MWF Seeking BFF” – a book about friends and friendship. Specifically about how to find a friend and how the author put an ad in the paper to find one. I’ve been wanting to read it for awhile, but just couldn’t make the leap. After all, the author is like in her 20’s and I’m in my 40’s. The friendship boat sailed for me years ago, and try as I might I seem to not be able to find anyone who I connect with.

After losing my BFF to the realization she had a busy life and I didn’t fit in it, and jumping out of a toxic relationship, I decided to just stop trying altogether. It was just too hard and I was so depressed and needed to focus on myself. However, I made a few online friendships after awhile, but even those have not turned out as expected. Everyone else seems to have a ton of friends who they get together with regularly, so I just do not fit in. I have children, but while 3 have left the nest, I still have 5 at home. So, I don’t fit in with the young mommies like I see at the reading program Mondays. And I don’t fit in with the moms who have completely empty nests and have more freedom than I do. So, I’m thinking of how I can find another like minded woman who I can connect with. I was thinking this book may help with that.

At my age I don’t know how I’ll do this – one start is to find outside interests for myself. I used to want to take cake decorating classes but they always fell on my husband’s bowling night so that was out. I love to write and was thinking that maybe a writing class or two might be good. Not sure if our local college or tech school has anything I could go to, but maybe I’ll see. Maybe I should hang out at Starbucks on Sunday afternoons and see who shows up :-).

I feel like I’ve missed something because I spent time with my children and taking care of them instead of taking care of me. I thought I was being selfless but maybe I wasn’t doing myself any favors by not having relationships of my own. On the other hand, I just haven’t had time. In the book, she talks about the period of time between your 20’s and 40’s when your job, your marriage, and your kids suck up your life and time for friends or nurturing friendships just isn’t there. I think that’s true. But what about when you come out of that tunnel? Is there any opportunity left for you to go out and find new friends?

So, I’m listening to this book and am going to see if I can figure out a way to find new friends of my own. And not seem too needy or too eager to jump in (a regular problem I have), but take the time to let something flourish if it’s going to happen. I need to stop thinking of friendships in the old way when I was in elementary or even junior high – I’m grown up now. But how do grown up friends behave? Sometimes, just like elementary or junior high girls. But sometimes you get lucky and find someone who you really connect with and the relationship takes off when you least expect it. Maybe I even need to start with what kind of a friend I’m looking for. Although it’s not something we really think about – mostly when a relationship clicks we’re in.

Well, whatever happens I’m going to try to be brave and get out there. My life is changing rapidly – my nest is emptying and a new decade is approaching. It’s time to do some growing.

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Bunny Day!

July 17, 2012

Today (Monday) was indeed Bunny Day and for the kids it was wonderfully fun! A local gal brought in her Holland Lop Rabbits to show the kids for today’s reading program day. Becky was especially excited as she loves bunnies. Heck she even has a Webkinz bunny named Fluffy (of course).

The Bunny Lady arrived and let the kids pet the bunnies before her talk began. After the kids sat down, she explained a little bit about the rabbits and afterwards took questions from the kids. Well, my kids (even Joe) had plenty of questions for her and everyone learned a lot more about bunnies than we had known. After the Q & A period, she let the kids pet the bunnies again and that’s when I snapped a few photos. Oh, and Maggie made sure to point out to Miss Becky that our Becky shared her name and was also a bunny lover :-). Becky had been waiting and waiting for today and was not disappointed.

All the way to the van, on the way home, and after we were home, the talk was about bunnies and all the interesting things we earned. It was a great afternoon indeed!

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TGIF

July 6, 2012

It’s been a busy week for me but the results have been good so far.

Monday was another reading program day at our library and this week there was a juggler! Joe and Katie both were even picked to help with tricks – Katie did plate spinning with 3 other kids, and Joe did a trick with a whip and balloons and a blindfold. Don’t worry – the guy poked the balloons to pop them. It was cool. I have to say, not being the young mommy with babies and toddlers is nice – I actually get to enjoy the performance now! Matt and Jeff asked me if I remember seeing a magician at a reading program long ago, but I don’t. Must have had a baby or a toddler :-).

Tuesday I had an ultrasound. NO, I’m not pregnant, but parts of me are having change of life issues and I want to see what’s available to stop that. I won’t know the results until next Tuesday when I see the ob/gyn again. So far no one has called about anything, so I’m going to assume all is fairly normal.

Wednesday was the Fourth, and Matt and Jeff traveled home for the day. It was weird because they were just visiting instead of staying home for the weekend which always feels like they’re still here. A good time was had by everyone at any rate. We even snuck in a Mhing card game and yours truly won TWO games!! That’s unheard of people – must be these great meds I’m on :-). The boys stayed until after the Boston Pops Fireworks and headed home. Katie was already sleeping by then so she missed saying goodbye. Oh well – it had been a long day.

Thursday was low key for a change. Just school in the morning and laundry and resting in the afternoon. A nice day. I did use the fact that Mike is home on vacation to my advantage and sent him on a couple of errands – bwahahahaha. I know how to work it :-).

Friday – today – I had my second visit with the physician assistant. My blood pressure has gone done very nicely, but it still a little higher than she would like. So, she upped my bp meds a little and will see me in two weeks. Overall, she is very pleased with my progress and so am I. I’m starting to have some emotional spells about it though. It’s a lot to take in all at once and I’m hoping that once things start leveling off I can get back to a more normal life. Well, a new normal anyway.

So, that was my week. It’ll be another hot weekend here and then it will finally cool back to more decent temps by Monday – thankfully! I think that will help how everyone feels around here too. I may get to sit outside or even walk outside in the mornings again :-). That would indeed be very nice. Happy Friday!

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Educational Connections

July 3, 2012

I was reading an article in a magazine recently that talked about connections and she talked about what educational connections look like. I also call them tie – ins. You know, you’re doing one thing at the same time something else related to that subject comes up? They can be accidental or planned, but you’ll know when the connection is made. Well, we’ve been having a lot of those lately and it’s so exciting!

Last week I bought this little microscope and it has been a huge hit with everyone! The kids (and myself) have looked at a multitude of things from tree bark to ham. Yes – ham! I didn’t realize it when I bought it, but it made the perfect tie-in with the book Katie and Becky were reading – “Greg’s Microscope” by Millicent Selsam.

Here’s another one. I bought Steve a book on whittling because he’s good at it, but needs more direction on how to make more things and maybe bigger things. Katie and Becky started reading “Daniel’s Duck” by Clyde Robert Bulla and it’s about a little boy who wants to carve something. Hm – getting the idea?

Okay. In a science lesson, Maggie and Joe were reading about friction and resistance. Yesterday we read the first two chapters of “The Wright Brothers” and it talked about a sled their mom helped them make. What did she teach them about? Wind resistance and friction!

One more. Katie and Becky were reading about the skeleton and how the muscles work. Well, big brother Chris goes to the gym to “buff up” as I say and when he came home that day what was Katie talking to him about? Muscles and how they work – she had remembered how the top and bottom muscles relax and contract in your arm! Then she wanted him to show off his muscles and of course he obliged :-).

These are the things that make teaching so worthwhile and seeing your kids faces light up in that a-ha moment are even more satisfying.

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Payment Due

July 1, 2012

This is not only the title of this blog post, but also the title of the “thirtysomething” episode I watched tonight. It is a parallel of sorts to what is going on in my own life. One of my favorite sayings about other people is, “Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt”. I haven’t even touched my own denial about my health. But that’s about to change. Warning: spoilers ahead :-).

In this episode, Ellyn is taking a ton of stomach remedies because she knows she has something going on – like “just an ulcer”. Yet, she continues to deny to her friends – and herself – that anything is really wrong. Her friends try to help, but she keeps pushing everyone away. Her boyfriend knows that something is wrong, but she won’t admit it. One of her lines to Hope is, “I’m always fine”. Hmm – yes – classic denial.

Her family doctor tells her to go to a GI doctor to find out what’s going on and refuses to prescribe any more meds. She throws away the piece of paper with the GI doc’s name on it. In the meantime she chugs coffee and does everything she usually does pretending that everything is okay. Among other things – hey! – I’m not going to give off the whole episode!

Now, let’s talk about me. Yes, I’ve been just like Ellyn. I’ve known that something is wrong, but just couldn’t put my finger on it. High blood pressure crossed my mind, but I’d push it out as soon as it came to light. I know I’m overweight, yet I’ve kept on eating chocolate and goodies whenever I need them to fix my feelings. And sometimes just because they taste good. I started drinking caffeinated coffee the last couple of months knowing full well that it’s not a good thing for me to do. Yet, thinking all the time, “I’m fine”.

Things go from bad to worse and one night Ellyn ends up coughing up blood and that is when she finally realizes that something is very, very wrong. Yet, she tries to drive herself to the hospital repeating “I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay”, knowing that she isn’t. She finally asks someone for help to get her a cab so she can get to the hospital.

Last Thursday I drove myself to the doctor’s office to see the P.A. knowing that my blood pressure was very high – stroke level is what she said. That’s why I went to the P.A. – because I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. She made me take some bp meds right away and scheduled me in for the following week. She also said, “We’re going to be seeing a lot of each other.” Somehow that makes me feel better.

When her doctor comes to see her he tells her that she is going to have to change her ways: You’ve got to change your life, you’ve got to change your work habits, and find some way to relax. I can treat the symptoms, but if you don’t deal with the causes you won’t get well. Period.

My doctor doesn’t have to tell me that I need to change my ways – I know it. I’ve known for a long time. Because my blood pressure was high when I delivered the twins, I really didn’t think much about it. So for 9 years it has had a chance to get worse – especially after I put this weight back on. Now is the time to take care of it and now is the time to make changes in my life. The weird thing is, I feel like I now have “permission” to eat right and lose weight – I have a reason. Like before just doing it for myself or so I could look and feel better wasn’t enough. Wow – what a revelation!

I also need to cut the stress and that’s going to be a little harder, but I’ve got to find ways to do it. Delegating projects is the first way and we’ll see what else I can do after that.

When she gets home from the hospital, Ellyn finds out that her boyfriend has left. She calls her mom and goes to stay with her awhile. She realizes at last that something has to give – that she isn’t okay and that she does need help. She calls the therapist that her doctor recommended. Crying and trying to keep it together she leaves a message for him. I made the same type of call back in 2008. I understand that pain.

So now I’m on a blood pressure medicine and it has actually made a huge difference. I truly had no idea just how bad it was before. I’ve been losing some weight due to chugging water instead of coffee. The swelling I had been experiencing (and chalking up to weight) has lessened a lot. My hands and feet feel downright skinny! I feel calmer and I have tools to use to take care of myself.

Yesterday I went to the store and bought mostly healthy foods that were on the menu plan I’m following for the week. My goal is to lose weight and lower my blood pressure. My kids need me and I have to do it for them too.

I feel like Humpty Dumpty – broken physically. Hopefully between my good doctors and myself we can heal what’s wrong and put me back together again.

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