Oh Crap! – Musings of an Unperfect Mommy

Chocolate

September 10, 2010

Chocolate is the one single food I love above all others. The taste is soooo good and the feeling from enjoying a fantastic piece of chocolate is wonderful. I have not always loved chocolate as much as I do now and it did become an addiction for me during a really dark time of my life. It became a best friend in a way. I remember when that first started too.

There was a day when I was really frustrated with someone and could not get them to understand me, and I just suddenly dove into a chocolate cake on the counter just stuffing and stuffing and stuffing trying to make myself feel better. I remember thinking, “What on earth are you doing??”, and stopping and wondering what was going on. It was a while before I did anything like that again, yet the seeds were sown.

Not too many years after, I started my coffee and chocolate habit at the bookstore, and those Lindt candies really started fueling that need inside me for something I did not have and could not seem to find. As the years went on and the darkness closed in, I found myself having to buy a candy bar or piece of chocolate every time I went to the store – I had to have it. Thinking about giving it up made me sad because it was becoming to me like a friend would be – I could eat that candy bar and it would soothe me, or fill up temporarily the sadness that invaded my life.

When What Not To Wear became my weekly habit, having a chocolate dessert to have while I watched also became a habit. Again, it was a special treat for me and a special time of my own to do something just for myself. Between the show and the chocolate, I started thriving a little again.

Then, as I started healing from my dark journey (another post altogether and not sure if I will talk about it much here), I started to not reach for the chocolate much anymore. I could walk past the candy at the checkout and not pick something up. I remember that for a short time I had to make a conscious decision not tobuy it – it made me sad sometimes, but I did it. I also tried to give it up for Lent once, but gave up on that because it was the only thing I had at that time that filled me. It took time to let go of it. A long time.

Last year, my sister-in-law sent me a chocolate bar from a place that makes them at their store. I cried when I got that package and saw what was in it. To have someone send a gift that is meaningful and an expression of friendship meant so very much to me. It came around the time of the anniversary of my breakdown and I needed it. I savored it for several days – the chocolate and the good feeling of being cared about.

Then, this spring, I had my epiphany. I was eating a chocolate bar and as I was stuffing it in, I was aware of my thoughts with every bite I took! It really dawned on me that I WAS using chocolate as a drug of sorts to numb my feelings! Since that day I feel the addiction and the power it had over me is gone. I can now enjoy chcocolate for what it is and not what it does for me and not to numb my pain or to treat it other than what it is. And it is a delicious, delicious food!!

Is the addiction gone for good? Oh, probably not, as I know I still crave it once a month :-), and sometimes after a really bad day. But, overall, yes I think I’ve made my peace with it and the healing from Another Source has taken it’s place.

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On September 10, 2010 at 6:15 PM, Val said:

:-)

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» Chocolate » Oh Crap! – Musings of an Unperfect Mommy

Chocolate

September 10, 2010

Comments

On September 10, 2010 at 6:15 PM, Val said:

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